The Joke Thread

[Too Tall]

*Ground rules. Cussin' in context is good. Mysogeny, racism blah blah blah not good.

Start with the old saws than work your way out ;)

I'll make it easy with something you can tell 8 year olds...because we are basically 8 year olds.

A skeleton walks into a bar. Orders a beer and a mop.

[AngryScientist]

fantastic thread.

i promise not to torture the forum too much, but FYI, as a Christmas present i received a book of 365 dad jokes, one for each day of the year. they are terrible :)

Want to hear a pizza joke? Nevermind; too cheesy.

[SlowPokePete]

What did one ear say to the other?

I didn't know we live on the same block.

SPP

[CJones]

I was going to post a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.

[bigbill]

A woman yells downstairs to her husband, "does it ever feel like someone has a voodoo doll and is jamming a pin in your chest?" Husband says, "No" Wife says, "What about now?"

[Ras72]

Once upon a time, a young man was buying his first car. He didn’t have a lot of money to spend when he walked on to the car lot. He explained to the salesperson that he had very modest funds with which to purchase a vehicle. The salesperson said, I have the perfect car for you. They go to the back of the car lot to find only the shell of an automobile with a seat in the middle. The young man looked curiously at the so-called car. This isn’t a car; it’s just a frame and a seat. Ahhh but the salesperson counters, it is a very special car. To start the car moving, you look up to the heavens and say “Thank God”! and the car goes forward. To stop the car, you just say “Tada”…The kid shakes his head in disbelieve, but the car was the right price, so he thought he’d give it a try. He gets in the car and says “Thank God”! and sure enough, the car starts up and drives itself out of the lot with the young kid in the seat. The car drives itself over the place. It goes up a steep hill and it was accelerating down the other side at a very fast speed. At the end of the steep hill was a sharp drop off of 500 feet over a cliff. As the car went faster and faster down the hit, the kid couldn’t remember how to stop it. Finally, inches from the edge of the cliff, the kid remembers and says “Tada”! The car stops immediately with the front of the car at the edge of the cliff. The young man looks up in relief and says…”Thank God”!

[bigbill]

A traveling salesman is walking down a country road and sees a farmer holding a pig in the air while it eats apples off the tree. The farmer does this until all the pigs have had apples. The salesman asks, "wouldn't it save time to knock the apples off the tree and let the pigs eat them off the ground?" The farmer says, "I'm sure it would, but what's time to a pig?"

My grandfather was a farmer who raised pigs, I collected (clean) pig jokes for him.

[Ras72]

Horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Hey there, why the long face?'

[bigbill]

A snail goes to buy a new car, he sees a red sports car and approaches the salesman and says, "I would like to buy that red sportscar and I want a big white "S" on the door" the salesman is puzzled and asks why. The snail replies, "when I drive around, I want people to say, 'hey look at the S car go!'"

[Too Tall]

A traveling salesman is walking down a country road and sees a farmer holding a pig in the air while it eats apples off the tree. The farmer does this until all the pigs have had apples. The salesman asks, "wouldn't it save time to knock the apples off the tree and let the pigs eat them off the ground?" The farmer says, "I'm sure it would, but what's time to a pig?"

My grandfather was a farmer who raised pigs, I collected (clean) pig jokes for him.

I got you.

Farmer standing with his favorite pig Wilbur, they are sizing up two sows. "Wilbur, which one would you like to breed"? Wilbur replies in pig-speak "Boffuffumm".

If you know you know.

[Paul Jacobs]

Two cats are swimming across the English Channel. The first is called one two three and the second is called un deux trois. Which one gets to the other side first?

One two three, because un, deux, trois, quatre, cinq.

(I know this joke is widely available but I first heard it from my stepdaughter when she was about 9 or 10 years old.)

[Ras72]

Donald J. Trump

[robin3mj]

Guy calls his office one morning and says, “I have anal glaucoma.”
His boss asks what the hell he’s talking about and the guy replies, “I just can’t see my ass coming to work today.”

[bigbill]

I got you.

Farmer standing with his favorite pig Wilbur, they are sizing up two sows. "Wilbur, which one would you like to breed"? Wilbur replies in pig-speak "Boffuffumm".

If you know you know.

You feel me, dog. When I was stationed on a submarine doing an overhaul in Charleston Naval Shipyard, we kept a logbook of "bubbaisms". There were basically 5-6 last names among the shipyard workers. There were descendants of Civil War era shipyard workers. My favorite was "dainobeno". "If we don't get done, dailobeno way we'll get out on time."

[j44ke]

Duck walks into a bar and says to the bartender "Got any duck food?"

Bartender says, "No, we don't got no duck food."

Next day the duck walks into the same bar and says to the bartender, "Got any duck food?"

Bartender says, "No, dis here's a bar. We don't got no duck food. Now scram!"

Next day the duck walks into the bar and says to the bartender, "Got any duck food?"

The bartender says, "No, we don't got no duck food. Dis is a bar. What are you thick? If you come into dis bar again asking for duck food Ima nail your feet to the floor."

The next day the duck walks into the bar and says to the bartender, "Got any nails?"

Bartender says, "No, we don't have no nails."

Duck says, "Got any duck food?"

[j44ke]

For the mixologists in the crowd:

Grasshopper walks into a bar. Bartender says "Hey, we have a drink named after you!" The grasshopper says, "You have a drink named Fred?"

[AngryScientist]

Piece of string walks into a bar

bartender says "we dont serve strings here, get out"

next day string goes back to the bar

"i told you we dont serve strings in this bar, get out or i'll shoot ya"

string goes home and get really angry. starts jumping up and down and wriggling about with anger.

next day he goes back to the bar

"are you that string that's been tryin to get in here?"

"no sir - i'm a frayed knot"

[BBB]

Duck walks into a bar and says to the bartender "Got any duck food?"

Bartender says, "No, we don't got no duck food."

Next day the duck walks into the same bar and says to the bartender, "Got any duck food?"

Bartender says, "No, dis here's a bar. We don't got no duck food. Now scram!"

Next day the duck walks into the bar and says to the bartender, "Got any duck food?"

The bartender says, "No, we don't got no duck food. Dis is a bar. What are you thick? If you come into dis bar again asking for duck food Ima nail your feet to the floor."

The next day the duck walks into the bar and says to the bartender, "Got any nails?"

Bartender says, "No, we don't have no nails."

Duck says, "Got any duck food?"

Have a look at this link...

[robin3mj]

Two apples are baking in an oven. One turns to the other and says, “hot in here isn’t it?”
And the other one says, “Holt sh1t, a talking apple!”

[defspace]

okay, I've got one. It's a knock-knock joke, but you have to go first.