The Joke Thread

[j44ke]

okay, I've got one. It's a knock-knock joke, but you have to go first.

knock knock

[defspace]

knock knock

Who's there?

[j44ke]

Who's there?

Jorn

[defspace]

this works better in person. Usually there's just a are-you-for-real glare after "who's there?"

[SlowPokePete]

the suspense is killing me....

SPP

[ColonelJLloyd]

Told a couple of these at the dinner table tonight. Thanks for the material.

[j44ke]

this works better in person. Usually there's just a are-you-for-real glare after "who's there?"

Probably works better without me. My wife says I am too willing to talk to strangers.

[ides1056]

thanks

[Bob Ross]

A man claims he has a talking dog. Tries to get his dog on a late night talk show. Producer of the show is understandably skeptical, so he tells the man he'll need to see proof.

Man turns to his dog and asks "Fido, what's the thing on the top of a house?"
Fido responds "rrrROOF!"

Producer remains understandably skeptical.
Man turns to his dog and asks "Fido, what's the texture of sandpaper?"
Fido responds "rrrRUFF!"

Producer still remains understandably skeptical.
Man turns to his dog and asks "Fido, who was the greatest baseball player of all time?"
Fido responds "rrrRUTH!"

Producer says "Alright, I've had enough, this is ridiculous!" and throws the man and his dog out of his office.

As they're walking home Fido turns to his owner and says "Do you think I should have said 'DiMaggio'?"

[Mabouya]

Speaking of dog jokes, the Olive and Mabel videos are really amusing:

(their owner, Andrew Cotter, truly is a sports broadcaster for the BBC and made these during lockdown)

[PaMtbRider]

How does a lumberjack know how many trees he cut down? He keeps a log.

[robin3mj]

Why do Swedish boats have bar codes on the side?

So when they get back to port, they can Scandinavian.

[cny rider]

Guy walks into the library, goes to the librarian and says "I'd like to take out the new self-help book for men with small penises."
Librarian types in her computer and says "I'm sorry, I don't know if it's in yet."
Guy says "Yep, that's the one."

[ides1056]

Guy looks at a dog licking its balls and says to his friend, "gee, I wish I could do that."

Friend replies, "he might bite you if you try."

[HorsCat]

A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiance to his study for a drink.

"So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.

"I am a Torah scholar." he replies.

"A Torah scholar? Hmmm," the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"

"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us." "And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.

"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us."

"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?" "Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiance. The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions him, the young idealist insists that God will provide.

Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, honey?"

The father answers, "The bad news is, he has no job and no prospects, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."

[mnoble485]

So I’m sitting on a park bench with a good friend and I tell him I just got a new hearing aid.

He asks “What kind is it?”

10:30. I reply.

Mike

[rwsaunders]

“The grade school that I went to was in a very bad neighborhood. How bad was it? In English class one day, the teacher asked the class what came after a sentence. A kid in the back of the room, raised his hand and when called upon, he responded ...an appeal”. R. Dangerfield

[crumpton]

A penguin is driving thru Texas. His car breaks down in a small town off the highway. So the Penguin finds a mechanic shop to check it out.

Mechanic
" well it's going to take about an hour to figure out the problem"

Penguin
" Ok"

He walks around town, finds a 7-11 and gets an ice cream.

He heads back to the shop and the mechanic and says
" well looks like you blew a seal"

Penguin
" NO it's just a little ice cream" !

[Dave Thompson]

There once was a young lady from Nizes,
She had breasts of two different sizes.
One was small, nothing at all,
While the other was large and won prizes.

[Too Tall]

This is my favorite joke from a Spring Training Camper Randy. We miss you Randy, my ribs will never be the same:

There was this guy walking down the road when he noticed a night club ahead. He went in, went up to the bar and asked for a drink. The bar owner, who was tending bar, said, "I've never seen you in her before."

The guy says, "Yes, I'm not from around here. I'm just passing through on my way to find a job."

The owner asks, "What do you do?"

The guy says, "I write music and play the piano."

The owner, looking excited says, "REALLY! I have an ad in the paper looking for someone to play my piano. Please sit down at the keyboard and play for me if you're interested."

The guy does and as he plays the piano the owner is in awe of his talent and musical abilities. The owner says, "You play the piano more beautifully than anyone I have ever heard! What is the name of that song?"

The guy says, "I wrote that song and the name is Two Crazed Hippies Banging Their Brains Out."

The owner gasps and is taken back. He says, "My gosh, that's a terrible name for such a beautiful song. Do you know any others?"

The guy smiles and plays again. Once more the owner is astounded by this guy's talent and musical abilities. He's almost afraid to ask but he does ask what the name of the song he just played.

The guy answers, "I made ranuchy love All Night Until we Couldn't Take it Anymore."

The owner again was shocked. The owner says, "OK, you play beautifully and the songs you have written are incredible. I will hire you, but you have to promise not to tell the name of your songs to the patrons." The guy agrees.

That night the guy was playing the piano and the crowd was just as amazed as the owner was with this man's musical abilities. After playing two songs the crowd stood up and applauded. The guy was really pleased and stood up to take a bow. When he stood up and faced the audience, it was apparent that his zipper was open and his junk were hanging out.

One of the patrons close to the piano says, "Sir, do you know your junk are hanging out?"

The guy smiles and says, "KNOW IT, I WROTE IT!"

We MISS YOU RANDY. The tagline to this joke is repeated often in our house to remember a good man gone too soon.