The Joke Thread

[SlowPokePete]

One day a man decided to retire... He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank. He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my fishing boat sank." "Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this ole thing?" explains the woman. " I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from an Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. " On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in a volcanic vent I found just down island, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour." So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small hand built wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, It's not much, but I call it home.

Please sit down." "Would you like a drink?"

"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"Oh, it's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Jack Daniels neat?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but a bandana around her blonde locks and some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned. She smelled faintly of coconut oil. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. When was the last time you had a really good ride?"

She stares into his eyes.
He can't believe what he's hearing.

...
...

"You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,

....
....
...

"You've built a bicycle?”......

[Too Tall]

Venturing into potentially controversial waters....

Four devoutly religious men are sailing on a merchant ship. They have joined in mission to aide the poor on some forsaken island in the Pacific. During the passage is a great storm and the mighty ship begins to founder. At the last moment these men of faith stand on the ships edge before they plunge into the water. The Imam declares his faith outloud and takes the plunge, the Hindi Pujari exhalts the beauty within all things, the rabbi speaking quietly touches his forehead than his waist and left right breasts and plunges into the ocean, the Minister proclaims his faith also plunges into the icy abyss.

Miraculously all four wash onto a island shore. Exhausted barely alive too ravaged to speak. After some time the Priest turns to the Rabbi and says "I was so touched that in what was certainly your final hour you took the father son and holy ghost into your heart". The rabbi, spitting out sand and bits of seaweed says "what are you talking about I always do that before I leave - Spectacles, testicles, wallet and watch.

Yep

[Dave Thompson]

I just read an article about a new organization: DAM, Mothers Against Dyslexia.

[rsl]

Told to me by my 10-year-old on the way to school this morning:

Teacher: "Did you hear about this new invention called the 'whiteboard?'"
Student: "No."
Teacher: "It's remarkable!"

And if you want to keep it going...

Teacher: "It's better than paper."
Student: "Why?"
Teacher: "Paper is tearable."

[Too Tall]

Told to me by my 10-year-old on the way to school this morning:

Teacher: "Did you hear about this new invention called the 'whiteboard?'"
Student: "No."
Teacher: "It's remarkable!"

And if you want to keep it going...

Teacher: "It's better than paper."
Student: "Why?"
Teacher: "Paper is tearable."

Said with a wink.

Clever.

[Scott G.]

What is the 2nd most requested option for the Harley Livewire motorcycle ?

A. Oil leak simulator.

[Too Tall]

New Forest Service regulation
The National Forest Service is asking your help with a growing problem: Please DO NOT buy flowers from any itinerant monks on NFS lands. Remember only you can prevent florist friars.

[Paul Jacobs]

New Forest Service regulation
The National Forest Service is asking your help with a growing problem: Please DO NOT buy flowers from any itinerant monks on NFS lands. Remember only you can prevent florist friars.

Some monasteries provide accommodation to visitors. One such found his way in to the kitchen and saw a monk cooking potatoes. Oh! he said, you must be the friar. No! came the reply, I'm the chipmonk.

[Too Tall]

Some monasteries provide accommodation to visitors. One such found his way in to the kitchen and saw a monk cooking potatoes. Oh! he said, you must be the friar. No! came the reply, I'm the chipmonk.

Hilarious.

[rsl]

What's a pirate's favorite letter?

[bigbill]

Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane.

Her: My God - imagine if it had been a small child.

Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice.

[Doug Fattic]

A man goes to the farmer's market and sees a vendor with a sign saying mushrooms from Chernobyl for sale. Of course he asks the vendor, "why on earth would anyone buy mushrooms from Chernobyl?" His reply "oh, they are popular gifts for bosses or mother-in-laws!".

[PaMtbRider]

I just watched a film on fly fishing

The cast was amazing

[rsl]

What's a pirate's favorite letter?

You: "R?"

Me: You'd think it would be the "R," but it's the "C!" (said in a piratey voice)

[AngryScientist]

A set of jumper cables walks into a bar and orders a shot of tequila;

bartender says "alright partner, but don't you go startin' anything"

[Too Tall]

Termite walks into the bar just after the jumper cables are sparking out. BANGS his little fist on the bar and says "Is the Bar Tender?"

[charlieclick]

A magician walks down the road, turns into a pub.

[thomas]

You: "R?"

Me: You'd think it would be the "R," but it's the "C!" (said in a piratey voice)

No, maties, you've got it wrong.

Aye, indeed they do! says Mr Blackbeard.

[AngryScientist]

What did rapper Fifty Cent do when he got hungry?


...


58

[bigbill]

If a one L lama is a holy man, and a two L llama is a pack animal in South America, what is a three L lama? ..... A large fire in Boston.