The Joke Thread

[j44ke]

So I’m sitting on a park bench with a good friend and I tell him I just got a new hearing aid.

He asks “What kind is it?”

10:30. I reply.

Mike

Three old guys are standing on a train platform when a train arrives.

First guy says, "Is this the train to Wellesley?"

Second guy says, "No it's Thursday."

Third guy says, "So am I, let's go get a drink."

[Too Tall]

Two nuns sitting in a bathtub. One says to the other "wears the soap".

[jimcav]

isn't the other nun supposed to say "yes"?

[choke]

A rancher knocks on the door of his distant neighbor's house one Saturday morning. It's opened by a 12 yr old boy who says "Good morning Sir".

The rancher asks "Is your Dad home?"
"No Sir, he went to town."
"Is your Mom home?"
"No Sir, she went to town with Dad."
"How about your brother Billy, is he home?"
"No Sir, he went to town with Mom and Dad."

The rancher stands there a moment wondering what to do next and the boy asks "Is there anything I can do to help? I know where all the tools are if you need to borrow something."

The rancher replies "No, I better talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Billy getting my daughter Susie pregnant."

The boy replies "Yeah, you do need to talk to Dad. I know that he charges $100 for the bull and $50 for the pig but I don't know what he charges for Billy."

[cny rider]

Two rather large women walk into a bar.

The bartender notices their accent and says "Welcome ladies, are you from Ireland?"

One woman glares at him and says "Wales, you idiot."

Bartender says, "OK, then, welcome. Are you two whales from Ireland?"

[rowdyhillrambler]

[QUOTE=crumpton;1035107]A penguin is driving thru Texas. His car breaks down in a small town off the highway. So the Penguin finds a mechanic shop to check it out.

Mechanic
" well it's going to take about an hour to figure out the problem"

I used to have this very COUNTRY guy that worked for me that would try to tell this joke-it was absolutely hilarious to watch him try.. he would start dying laughing and crying before he ever started the joke.. and seriously after about thirty minutes would just quit and never finish the joke.. it actually took me a long time to know what the joke was. He would spend an hour gasping for breath..

And at some point during the day would say something like, ‘can you imagine a penguin driving a car.?’ And if anyone ever dropped something by the shop to have us look at it and mentioned a ‘blown seal’.. he would absolutely lose his shit.

The joke is funny, but thinking about him still cracks me up. He never did finish that joke-

[Ras72]

Laughter. The contagious kind of laughter is exactly what I need (hell, most the country needs). Thanks TT for starting this thread.

[Paul Jacobs]

One good tern deserves another.

(this is for the ornithologists)

[claritycycler]

Speaking of dog jokes, the Olive and Mabel videos are really amusing:

(their owner, Andrew Cotter, truly is a sports broadcaster for the BBC and made these during lockdown)

Thanks for the link, what a crackup!

[j44ke]

Laughter. The contagious kind of laughter is exactly what I need (hell, most the country needs). Thanks TT for starting this thread.

When my wife and I lived in Prague, our cable tv included a Russian channel. One day flipping through with the remote, I landed on that channel and there was a stand up comedian delivering a monologue about a family sitting eating a meal together. We do not speak or understand Russian (except for a handful of words) but pretty soon we were both laughing to the point of asphyxiation. Taught me two things: 1.) comedy is 99% timing and that comedian’s timing was spot on and 2.) laughter is healthy and important and if you live in a country where you don’t speak the language, you need to figure out a way to laugh in order to stay healthy.

No joke. Just an observation.

[VTMike]

Got this one from across the hall a number of years ago and remember using iit at a dinner-party:

One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, “It’s certainly not a ship”.
As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.
Suddenly a figure clad in a black wet suit strode from the surf. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!
She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him,
“Tell me, how long has it been since you’ve had a good cigar?”
“Ten years,” replied the amazed Irishman.
With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter.
He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. “Faith and begorrah,” said the castaway, “that is so good! I’d almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!”
“And how long has it been since you’ve had a drop of good Bushmill’s Irish Whiskey?” asked the blonde..
Trembling, the castaway replied, “Ten years.”
Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve,
unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.
He opened the flask and took a long drink. ” ‘Tis nectar of the gods!” shouted the Irishman. “
‘Tis truly fantastic!!!”
At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, “And how long has it been since you played around?”
With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed,
“Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don’t tell me that you’ve got golf clubs in there, too!”

[mnoble485]

One good tern deserves another.

(this is for the ornithologists)

There was once a deal made between a butcher and an ornithologist.


He took a tern for the wurst.

Sorry, not sorry.

Mike


He took a

[Todd Amunrud]

I don’t remember jokes well, but the pediatrician who taught me circumcisions had this one that stuck.

A pediatrician and a plastic surgeon, longtime friends enjoy their annual fishing trip.

Plastic Surgeon, “Why do you have a large jar of foreskins?”
Pediatrician, “It’s all I have from my career in medicine.”
Plastic Surgeon, “Can I have the jar of a while? I think I can provide you with something valuable.”

Next year the Plastic Surgeon presents his Pediatrician friend with a beautiful wallet made from the foreskins.

Pediatrician, ”Thanks for the gift, but I have no money to put in that.”
Plastic Surgeon, “Rub it and it turns into a suitcase”.

[Saab2000]

This is my favorite joke from a Spring Training Camper Randy. We miss you Randy, my ribs will never be the same:

There was this guy walking down the road when he noticed a night club ahead. He went in, went up to the bar and asked for a drink. The bar owner, who was tending bar, said, "I've never seen you in her before."

The guy says, "Yes, I'm not from around here. I'm just passing through on my way to find a job."

The owner asks, "What do you do?"

The guy says, "I write music and play the piano."

The owner, looking excited says, "REALLY! I have an ad in the paper looking for someone to play my piano. Please sit down at the keyboard and play for me if you're interested."

The guy does and as he plays the piano the owner is in awe of his talent and musical abilities. The owner says, "You play the piano more beautifully than anyone I have ever heard! What is the name of that song?"

The guy says, "I wrote that song and the name is Two Crazed Hippies Banging Their Brains Out."

The owner gasps and is taken back. He says, "My gosh, that's a terrible name for such a beautiful song. Do you know any others?"

The guy smiles and plays again. Once more the owner is astounded by this guy's talent and musical abilities. He's almost afraid to ask but he does ask what the name of the song he just played.

The guy answers, "I made ranuchy love All Night Until we Couldn't Take it Anymore."

The owner again was shocked. The owner says, "OK, you play beautifully and the songs you have written are incredible. I will hire you, but you have to promise not to tell the name of your songs to the patrons." The guy agrees.

That night the guy was playing the piano and the crowd was just as amazed as the owner was with this man's musical abilities. After playing two songs the crowd stood up and applauded. The guy was really pleased and stood up to take a bow. When he stood up and faced the audience, it was apparent that his zipper was open and his junk were hanging out.

One of the patrons close to the piano says, "Sir, do you know your junk are hanging out?"

The guy smiles and says, "KNOW IT, I WROTE IT!"

We MISS YOU RANDY. The tagline to this joke is repeated often in our house to remember a good man gone too soon.

Randy walked me safely through the only time I have ever operated an actual firearm. It was a memorable and good experience! Gone too soon Randy!

[Mark Walberg]

Trump: Siri, how many miles did I ran today?
Siri: Sending missiles to Iran today.

[Mark Walberg]

One from my Mother in Law:

Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

[rwsaunders]

A proctologist finally decided to retire and he made the announcement to his colleagues one evening, over a drink. When asked what he planned to do in retirement, the proctologist paused, then informed the group that he planned to travel around the country and look up a few, old friends.

[j44ke]

My wife's favorite (2 part) joke as told to her by Jimmy Dale Gilmore (who is a really nice person btw.)

>

Buddhist monk stops at a hotdog cart.

Hotdog vender says, "What'll it be Bub?"

Buddhist monk says "Make me one with everything."

>>

Hotdog vendor gives the Buddhist monk a hotdog.

Buddhist monk says, "How much?"

Vendor says, "$4.50"

Buddhist monk hands the vendor a $5 bill.

Vendor pockets the $5 and starts cleaning his cart.

Buddhist monk says, "Hey what about my change?"

Hotdog vendor says, "Change must come from within."

[DJB]

What's the difference between Roast Beef and Pea Soup?


Anyone can Roast Beef.

[Peter Polack]

I don’t remember jokes well, but the pediatrician who taught me circumcisions had this one that stuck.

A pediatrician and a plastic surgeon, longtime friends enjoy their annual fishing trip.

Plastic Surgeon, “Why do you have a large jar of foreskins?”
Pediatrician, “It’s all I have from my career in medicine.”
Plastic Surgeon, “Can I have the jar of a while? I think I can provide you with something valuable.”

Next year the Plastic Surgeon presents his Pediatrician friend with a beautiful wallet made from the foreskins.

Pediatrician, ”Thanks for the gift, but I have no money to put in that.”
Plastic Surgeon, “Rub it and it turns into a suitcase”.

Did you hear about the rabbi that performed circumcisions for free?
He kept the tips.