With all this talk about fit, thought I'd share my philosophy. I figured that since I deeply suck on a bike and over assert myself on this message board and never won a single race I ever entered.. not one.... i lost more category races by a tire width and a last lap gaypanic than any man should... that it was vitally important for my fit system to be made public. I'm am currently the only one capable of transmitting this info... and ask that you respectfully keep it here.
The first thing is that FITMENT regards how you look on the bike in still photographs, with the bike not in motion. Its a fitting technique mastered in Rapha catalogues and really not about the bike, but rather the bike lifestyle, your capacity to be both snarky, passive aggressive and also to impart meaning and love, in the absence of any actual meaning and or love. Its a kind of self-affirmation that doesn't actually come from the self, rather it comes only from others that you mildly disdain, all the while seeking their approval in order feed more disdain.
1) When there is an option for your kit to not match, take that option. It suggests that all your matching kit is dirty because you ride twice a day, and or that you've reached a place beyond sponsorship where you're flooded with clothes previously given to you that you feel obligated to wear. And finally it suggests and infers poverty, and nothing says I used to matter on the bike like the sweet smell of biker poverty from years past.
2) Never wear a helmet unless you have to. If you're a true roller it means you're self obsessed. The hallmark of the self-obsessed is single-hood and childlessness. If you have no obligation to survive a head injury, there's no reason to prepare for them. Nothing suggest I was somebody once (even though you weren't) like at baseball cap, knit cap, or early stages of skincancer on the head. True cyclist have no existential death anxiety, nor do they have loved ones.
3) Master the art of sitting on the top tube while sucking your stomach in. Always inhale, never exhale. On hot days use baby oil on your legs. Any time your speed is below three miles an hour reach for your iphone so you can check your match.com profile. Think about ironic ugly facial hair.
4) Always over-dress. Wearing warmers when everyone else is in summer gear sub-consciously tells the people around you that you're superior because you rode with them and never got out of warm-up mode. Its the stamp that says, hey, you're going hard, and i'm just on my coffee spin.
5) Make friends with all Asians and people that love camera gear. You never know when someone is going to snap off pictures and facebook is more real than reality. I mention Asians because you have to be so socially inept that you really engage the world as a giant cliche.
6) Talk by not actually talking. Feigning inarticulateness and anger suggests the delayed emotional development that can only come from long slow miles and a life reduced to parking lot crits and anorexia. Talk under your breath and to yourself or not at all.
7) Passive gun flexing. Always know where the sun is and always always always keep your arm muscles in flexion. You need to distract the camera from your fat legs and at the same time evoke the image of being ripped, without actually having to have low body fat.
8) Black and white always is superior because it seems somehow Euro. Color is gay and gay is bad, even though all your gay friends are better people than you and cooler. Tires always have to be black, and if you're on a production bike you have to treat it like an old useless key-fob that you're using while you wait for grey market parts to come in for your Vagen.
9) Master the art of relationship with real pros by relating to them as if you used to race together. Assert this by insulting them, "Hey fatass, how have you been, I haven't seen you since you chopped me in that shitty race in Wisconsin in the 90's".... etc.
.......
shrink, terrorist, poet, president of concerned cyclists for the abolishment of bovine source bicycle parts and head of the disaffected commie dishwashers union.
Its a kind of self-affirmation that doesn't actually come from the self, rather it comes only from others that you mildly disdain, all the while seeking their approval in order feed more disdain.
ok thats some good funny shit right there. misuse of infer inclusive, goes along w/the whole Feigning inarticulateness and anger suggests the delayed emotional development bit. i'm in.
I forgot the most important part. Never, ever ever take the fucking bike out of the 53. I don't care how steep the climb is or how stupid it is, if you're in the 53, you are keeping it real and they are all pussy frauds. Your inner chainring must be spotless and symbolic of a lack of capacity of other people to suffer.
You are superior.
shrink, terrorist, poet, president of concerned cyclists for the abolishment of bovine source bicycle parts and head of the disaffected commie dishwashers union.
the only issue i have is your wheels match.
it's even more PRO when you have half of two sets on your bike,
so everyone knows you have lots of expensive wheels, but can't ever seem
to get 1 complete set on the bike at one time.
Only my first week here and I already feel inadequate... Here I was, being a grounded human being, knowing that I will NEVER ride the Tour, much less win it... at least I could be a poser... but now, you've even taken THAT away from me... I'm incapable of FITMENT! I will read and re-read your posting, to see if there are any loopholes, but I'm deathly certain that I will have to revert to riding recumbents, like when I was 325lbs...
suggesting a large penis isn't posing. it calms the ladies. people need hope. i roll with a dinner roll on the left and a map to my apartment on the right. this serves two masters, you can throw a bitch a map to your place and nothing gets you over the last hump like a warm roll.
shrink, terrorist, poet, president of concerned cyclists for the abolishment of bovine source bicycle parts and head of the disaffected commie dishwashers union.
suggesting a large penis isn't posing. it calms the ladies. people need hope. i roll with a dinner roll on the left and a map to my apartment on the right. this serves two masters, you can throw a bitch a map to your place and nothing gets you over the last hump like a warm roll.
The guy behind you is thinking you would have better luck with all that stuff shoved down the front of your shorts..........
suggesting a large penis isn't posing. it calms the ladies. people need hope. i roll with a dinner roll on the left and a map to my apartment on the right. this serves two masters, you can throw a bitch a map to your place and nothing gets you over the last hump like a warm roll.
Doc,
umm, that guy is super excited about your ass.
you know that is cool and all, but...
Dave Bradley...not the grumpy old Hogwarts caretaker "Mr. Filch" or the star of American Ninja 3 and 4.
Likes: 
Swoop on Fitment.
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Originally Posted by swoop
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